Chronicles of the Fridge

The "What do your foods really think?" thread is a teaser for a story: this one.

Be advised, this is a multi-chapter story, which is why it has its own thread.

________
Prologue:

Foods and Humans have fought for dominance for centuries. Only foods are capable of speech, so Humans are viewed as unnatural. The fact that they are the number one predator of foods also contributes to their fearsome reputation (though this is a bit hypocritical, as many foods have been known to indulge in eating at so-called "Yum-bars").

Humans and foods, for the most part, evolved with one another. Foods evolved elaborate defense mechanisms to protect themselves from humans (like spikes on pineapples, toxic pesticide scares and judgement impairments from alcohol), while humans have found ways to innovate past these (like knives, organic produce and designated drivers).

To truly understand Food, one must understand its history. So I have prepared a timeline of Food History.

-8000 BC: Humans and Foods encounter each other in close quarters for the first time when farming becomes commonplace.
-5000 BC: Foods copy human culture, language, and customs. At this time, they are subservient to humans.
-3000 BC: Great food uprising. Beginning of true food culture. Fudia, first food nation, established.
-2500 BC: Fudia reaches height. At this time, Vegetables are the upper class, with Fruits being lower class. Other foods are eaten still. Great Food Pyramid at Gala built.
-1800 BC: Meats revolt, establish ancient Grease. In the next century, the Nuts form the Macaroonian people, Fruits establish Pearsia, and the cheeses found Babyloafia.
-1500 BC: Philip of Macaroon conquers Grease, Babyloafia, and Pearsia, creating the Macaroonian empire, the first to treat all foods equally. Cabbage established. Ancient Romaines form Republic.
-800 BC: The Romaines and the Cabbages go to war. Though Cannibal, the Cabbage general, uses Elephant Ears to great effect, they are soon conquered.
-400 BC: Romaine Republic conquers Macaroonian Empire, reestablishes Fudian class system.
-100 BC: Romaine Republic covers much of Europe, however it is internally crippled by bureaucracy.
-40 BC: Young revolutionary Julius Caesar Salad is assassinated, leaving a power vacuum and starting a civil war.
-37 BC: After conquering Fudia and unifying foodkind for the first time in nearly 1800 years, Orange Julius Caesar, the adoptive son of Caesar Salad, takes the title of Romaine Emperor. Romaine Empire established. All foods equal under the law, though only drinks can become emperor.
-453 AD: Romaine Empire falls. Food culture in disarray.
-652 AD: Many foods convert to Islam, due to the dietary restrictions.
-1099 AD: Great Kitchen, or the United Kitchen, is founded by Richard of Pork.
-1573 AD: Great Kitchen controls the food world. Food-Human war. Humans win.
-1783 AD: United Pantries of America declares independence from Great Kitchen. Following their example, Grease, Italian Soda, French Toast, Danishes, and Turkey follow suit.
-1867 AD: Apricot Airlines established, more than 30 years before first human flight.
-1901: Hamburgia established.
-1919-1933: World War Food. The war, between Hamburgia and Great Kitchen, ends with Great Kitchen victorious, but at a cost- Teriyaki has split into North and South Teriyaki, the Raspberries have migrated En Masse to Madagascar, and Quince is no longer commonly eaten.
1956: Yum-bars banned, many still exist in secret. Peach Skin is traded from Turkey, though it is considered barbaric.
-1999: Sothrenia and Africa are established as no-foods land. New Hamburgia almost declares war on the Wiggles for "Fruit Salad".

As you can see, food culture is complex. And the 9 foods who changed it forever in the summer of 2013- well, they get a whole thread!

Great job!

Can I make a suggestion?

1860s- The election of Appleham Lincoln as president divides the United Pantries of America in two, causing a Civil War

Absolutely! And don't forget, he was assassinated in 1865 by John Milks Booth...

Can't wait for more!

Another idea:

1789: George Squashington is elected first president of the United Pantries

Will we be seeing a story in the near future, or is the first story still being planed?

The first chapter should be up in the next few days, but it could get pushed back to next weekend depending on how busy I am.

I hope it goes well!

Good luck!

Same here!

Suggestion -
In the early 1860's, the Civil War occurs, the armies being led by the Union (Or, other party) Ulysses S. Currant against the Confederate (Or, other party) Robert E. Cheese.

I would have suggested William Tecumseh Sherbet myself, lol

Alright, fun as it is to develop food history, this story is about our flavored friends, so let's get on with it!

Chapter 1

June 29, 2012

"You must be Mr Eatemup?" Enquired the man behind the desk.

"Y-yes I am," replied the other man timidly. "Who are you?"

"I'm afraid that information is classified. Let's just say I work for the government, and this incident is actually quite significant."

"Was it terrorists?" Asked Eatemup.

"You could say that," the man chuckled, "but anyway, could you tell me exactly what happened at your wedding reception this evening?"

"Well, me and my wife..." Eatemup broke off. "Jane! Where is she?"

"Your wife is in the hospital. Don't worry," he added quickly at the sight of Eatemup's face, "she's fine. Although the scars may never fade completely. Now, where were you?"

"Well," said Eatemup, clearly shaken, "we were waltzing, you know, tradition and all that, when suddenly the door opened and a cart with my wedding cake on it rolled out." At this he stopped, unable to continue.

"Did you notice anything strange about the wedding cake?"

"Well, this is going to sound crazy, but..."

"Yes?"

"It had a face."

"We've deduced as much. Continue."

Eatemup was surprised be the calmness with which the unknown man delivered that remark. Was he going crazy? He decided he was. After all, no sane man would see a cake try to...

"Mr. Eatemup?"

"Have I gone insane?"

"No. You really were attacked by your wedding cake."

Eatemup was stunned. "I... I'm confused. Was it a robot, or..."

"Perhaps it would be better if I showed you." The man pressed a button on the desk. "Bring in number 573, please."

A third figure entered the room. The figure was of indeterminate gender, for it was wearing a full suit of armor, colored almost all black. The visor was a reflective blue, and the helmet had a peculiar point on the back of it. There was a patch on the suit's left breast: a banana, crossed out, with the letters AFA in white underneath.

The figure was pushing a cage. Inside the cage was a Cayenne Pepper, one of those really spicy ones. It too had a face, and it was talking. It was cursing something dreadful, too.

"As you can see," said the man behind the desk, "this food, like all others, is alive. We at the Anti-Food Agency have dedicated our lives to stopping them from destroying the human race. The foods at your wedding would have killed you if we hadn't intervened."

"The cake..." asked Eatemup, dazed.

"It's dead. It's in the freezer, actually, if you're hungry. But the masterminds behind this plot were different." He threw some photographs on the table. The first was of an apple and a pear. The second was a kiwi.

"Is that an easel?"

"Yes it is."

The third photograph showed a cucumber with a mustache. A droopy mustache, you know the type. It had a candy cane next to it, and was leaning on it for support. The last picture showed a stalk of celery, with a marshmallow on its head and an aggressive expression.

"They got away, sadly. We're trying to locate them."

Eatemup stared at the pictures. He felt an intense rage, unlike anything he'd ever felt before. "I want to make them pay."

"Leave it to the AFA, kid."

"I'd like to join, then."

"You, Jacob R. Eatemup, wish to join the AFA?"

"I do."

"Welcome aboard, private. Your wife said the same thing. There's only one more thing."

"What?"

"Eat this grape."

He tossed a grape to Jacob. It was a green grape, and it struggled in his grasp.

He popped the grape in his mouth, chewed, and swallowed.

"I'm Major Alex Daimant." Said the other man."Welcome aboard."

Over the weeks, I've become good friends with those foods... and now this!! Make 'em pay, make 'em pay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry. Great story!

Thank you! They'll pay, all right... in fruit juice.

The next chapter will be very short, so it should be up soon. Then again, I tend to (unintentionally) operate on what I call "orthodontist time", which means it takes exactly 7 times longer than I say it will. ("She'll be with you in a few minutes" Yeah, right.)

Great!

Well, I've returned from vacation.
WHAT IN THE WORLD HAS HAPPENED.

Nuttin'. Just more Chronicles of the Fridge by Toz.

Yay! ATSRE is back! Anyways welcome back Churchill

So, everyone hated the darker tone of Chapter 1. Well... it gets better after 10 or so chapters. Then it gets dark again. Remember, they live in a dog-eat-dog world, and they're the second dog. They have no choice.

Chapter 2: The Beginnings of Something Great

SIX MONTHS AFTER THE "RED VELVET CAKE WEDDING"

The most noble occupation in the food world is the "Food Vigilante". Foods who devote their lives to fighting humans in an attempt to gain liberation for foodkind. However, it is a tough job, and only a few can be successful at it, and rarely as well as, say, Rhubarb X or Fruit Punch.

Which, of course, is why five foods sat in a sewer in Lynwood, Washington, completely and utterly burned out.

There was a loaf of cheese. It was Tillamook Medium cheddar, and it had glasses. And braces. Go figure.

There was a tomato. A small cherry tomato, to be precise. He was a chipper sort, but even he couldn't find anything good about the situation.

There was a mango. It was difficult to tell what the mango was thinking, as it hid its thoughts and emotions. Indeed her face was like a mask.

There was also a banana, sitting in a corner knitting a banana peel. Yes, knitting. Now you know where banana peels come from.

At the front of the sewer stood a grapefruit on its lonely vigil, guarding the sewer. It was difficult to read his emotions as well. He looked almost sad. Or maybe just frustrated by the melodrama. Who knows?

Cheese was using a BlackBerry (I kid you not) to access Fritter, which is, you guessed it, a food ripoff of Twitter. (For all their hatred of Humans, they do enjoy ripping us off. There's an InstaGraham Cracker, Snackchat, Ashley Radishon...) He was currently reading a debate between a few Food Vigilantes.

Tomato bounced over. "Whatcha lookin' at?"

"These Sweets. Apparently they've discovered the truth behind GMO's and non-organic foods."

"Really? What?" Asked Mango, adopting the facade of the cheerful, curious, "little sister" persona.

"Apparently, they've implanted nanotechnology into the GMO and non-organic foods. They latch onto the brain and take control. With the push of a button, they can take control."

"Wow! That's awful!" Mango said.

"I know. But instead of trying to find a cure, President Lemon wants to banish all non-organic and GMO foods, and makeit so only organic, non-GMO foods are considered citizens. And worse still, all the major food vigilantes seem to agree. Even ROACH."

"Who's ROACH?" Banana enquired."

"Nobody knows. All we know is that he has somehow infiltrated the highest levels of the AFA."

"Dang..."

"Wait, so is anyone against the non-organic banishment thingamabooby?"

"Why yes, the Foodtastic Five are."

The Foodtastic Five had gained great fame over the past nine months. An Apple, a Pear, a Kiwi, a Cucumber and a Stalk of Celery, best known for "The Red Velvet Cake Wedding" and "The Noodle Incident", they had become quite famous.

"Hey look, another Sweet from them!"

The Sweet read:

To all foods who believe GMO's and non-organics can be saved, we're planning a raid of the Alderwood, WA Fred Meyer to raise awareness. Please join if you can! HASHBROWNGMOPride

"Alderwood... that's not far away! We can go there easy!" cheered Tomato.

"But what about..." Mango gestures to the front of the cave, where Grapefruit's loud snores could be heard.

"He's a food-made GMO, not a man-made GMO. He should be fine. But just in case... be on guard."

Cheese turned back to the computer and began composing a Sweet.

I liked the dark tone of C1. Great chapter!